If you’re not familiar with the concept of compassion, it may seem pretty touchy-feely. Maybe even wimpy. Certainly out of place in the gym.
After all, asses are made for kicking and towels are made for snapping!
And self-compassion? C’mon, you think. How am I ever going to get anything done without being tough on myslef? That’s discipline!
Think again.
Research from neuroscience and psychology shows that people who practice self-compassion get more done and are able to sustain their work better than those who don’t.
But in order to explain why this is part of my nutrition coaching strategy, it’s important to understand what I mean by compassion. So let’s start there.
Compassion researchers (yes, there is such a thing) identify three parts to self-compassion:
- self-kindness
- common humanity
- mindfulness
Self-kindness is — obviously — the act of being kind to yourself.
That doesn’t mean excusing every foolish decision you make, or that anything goes. It means a conscious attitude of kindness — being understanding and nurturing to yourself, instead of harshly critical and judgemental.
A good way to think of self-kindness is to think of yourself as a loving parent or wise counsellor to yourself — you are honest and clear-eyed about your faults and mistakes, but accepting, tolerant, and charitable about them while seeking to do better.
Self-kindness is not self-indulgence or self-destructive pleasure-seeking.
When you’re kind to yourself, you don’t burn through a pack of cigarettes or chug a bottle of tequila after a bad day — you realize that these ultimately don’t nurture your body or spirit. (However, a beer and some laughs with a good buddy might be just what the doctor ordered.)
Instead, you do things that truly make you feel better and help sustain you through the dark periods.
Common humanity means that you realize it’s not “just you” — that everyone has challenges, makes mistakes, and feels down or inadequate in some way, sometimes.
You can see yourself as part of a larger whole, rather than some isolated screwup. (That also helps you avoid the “poor me” pitfall of self-indulgence.)
Mindfulness, is a state of non-judgmental, conscious awareness and self-observation.
Compassion vs. other stuff
Here’s a handy table to help you understand the differences between self-compassion and other things that might look like it.
Compassion | Not Compassion |
Giving yourself a break | Giving yourself a "get out of jail free" card all the time |
Being kind to yourself | Letting yourself off the hook |
Choosing to be genuinely kind | Avoiding being mean |
Having "crucial conversations" and saying difficult things when you need to | Being nice (aka a doormat) because you're afraid of conflict |
Mindfulness | Rumination and endless replay of errors and failures |
Self-forgiveness | Living without any moral compass |
Common decency and empathy | Being laissez-faire |
Being honest and seeing the big picture | Ignoring real problems or concerns |
Recognizing and balancing your needs with others’ | Being either overly self-centered or ignoring your own needs |
Recognizing moments of genuine suffering | Poor me self-indulgence and whining |
Truly nurturing acts of self-kindness | Going on a bender |
Focusing on the process — on consistently trying to live according to your deeper values and principles, but accepting that it won't be perfect | Focusing on the outcome — on whether you "got it right" according to an external standard (e.g. green checkmark, rigid rules, dog biscuit, etc.), and being harshly critical if you don't get the expected reward |
OK, you think. I get it. But what does this have to do with my fitness?
A lot.
For one thing, I’m going to take a wild guess and say that if you’re like 95% of people in the world, you’re probably self-critical from time to time. And when I say “from time to time,” I mean “most of the time.”
- Maybe you beat up on yourself when you “screw up” or “fail.”.
- Maybe you often feel anxious or insecure.
- Maybe your inner self-talk sounds more like that of a schoolyard bully.
- Maybe you’d describe yourself as “a perfectionist” or “a control freak.”
- Maybe you suffer from “impostor syndrome” — the nagging sense that someone will find out that you’re really an unmotivated fraud and expose you as a charlatan.
Now, some of these qualities might seem helpful. For instance, if you’re a little self-critical, it’ll make you want to do better next time. Right?
Wrong. In fact, self-compassionate people take more responsibility for fixing mistakes than self-criticizers.
Here’s what the research actually shows.
Compared to self-criticizers, people who are more self-compassionate:
- perform better and rarely “choke” under pressure; they also feel more personally competent
- are more resilient and able to bounce back faster from setbacks
- feel less depressed and/or anxious
- have better relationships, feel more secure in their interpersonal life, and get along with people more effectively
- are more emotionally intelligent and less egocentric
- are more satisfied with life
- are better able to take risks and be open to new experiences; they aren’t afraid of “failure.”
- learn, grow, and develop more effectively
- are better at providing social support
- are psychologically healthier overall
Well, damn. That sounds pretty awesome.
Here’s the short version: Self-compassion makes you healthier, stronger, and a better person.
Remember: Body transformations take a long time. You’ll need to learn, develop, and perform well… and sustain this for a long time.
Self-compassion is one tool that enables you to do that. (Can you imagine living with that schoolyard bully for several more decades?)
Self-compassion fills your “get it done” tank and keeps it topped off.
OK, self-compassion works for weight loss too.
Here’s what the research shows about self-compassion and fitness and nutrition coaching clients.
People who practice self-compassion while dieting lose more weight and keep it off for longer.
Self-compassion can decrease emotional eating as well as “disinhibition” (i.e., the “F — — it!” moment that you might feel just before a binge).
Self-compassion helps people accept and seek out their healthy weight and shape with less shame or rigid and negative body image.
Self-compassion can help you regulate your feelings, which means less stress and distress, which means less impulsive or reactive behavior (i.e., “I couldn’t help myself”).
When in doubt, be human.— Psychiatrist Karl Menninger